Letting Go
by LeonhartsGirlfriend
Summary: Somethingwasn't right. That much, Mizuki knew. He looked around and felt nauseous. Were those tears? Why would he be crying? Everything in his life was perfect. Perfect bar. Perfect team. Perfect boyfriend. Perfect sex life. Perfect friends. Perfect job. There was no reason for those tears to be washing down his cheeks.


Something wasn't right. That much, Mizuki knew. He looked around and felt nauseous. Were those tears? Why would he be crying? Everything in his life was perfect. Perfect bar. Perfect team. Perfect boyfriend. Perfect sex life. Perfect friends. Perfect job. There was no reason for those tears to be washing down his cheeks.

What was most odd, though, was that it didn't even feel like he was crying. He could hear someone sobbing and he could feel the tears, but he felt detached entirely from his body. Almost he was watching someone else cry, except he couldn't see himself. That's when he saw him; his everything; his light in the dark; his boyfriend.

"Sei!" he called out, running towards the other, but he stopped. Sei was with someone. The person didn't look like anyone he knew. He was tall and wore an all-black suit with a black shirt and a black tie. He had black hair that was slicked back and even wore black gloves. He couldn't make out a face since he was facing away from Mizuki. There it was again. The nausea grew and he lost control of himself. He sank to his knees, held his stomach, and cried.

_What the hell is going on? _he thought to himself as he watched the mysterious person interact with his boyfriend. Sei was happy and smiling as usual as the two talked nonchalantly, apparently oblivious to Mizuki just yards away. That didn't last long, though. Sei's smile disappeared as the other man grabbed his arm. The shorter man looked to his boyfriend for what seemed like the first time since all his began.

"Mizu," he mouthed to him. "I'm sorry." The two embraced. Sei looked like he hated it, but the other pulled him closer and eventually leaned in for a kiss.

Mizuki woke up in a cold sweat. He was panting and could feel tears. He looked next to him and noticed an empty bed. Where was Sei? Sei was just here. His stomach sank as he got up and looked around the apartment for his boyfriend.

"Sei!" he called out in a panic. He feared that his nightmare was warning him of something.

In little time at all, he heard a surprised squeak, a pause, and then that sweet voice say, "Kitchen!"

The older made his way to the kitchen where he found his boyfriend leaning against the table with a glass of water. "You scared me. What's wrong? You don't look so good," he cooed, setting his glass down.

"I was just worried when I didn't feel you in bed with me," he lied. "I'm okay now that I know you're okay."

Sei gave him a smile and wrapped his arms around his waist. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you panic. I was just getting some water. I woke up and couldn't breathe. My mouth was dry and my throat hurt, but the water helped a lot."

"You have to be careful," he scolded before hugging Sei back. "Shall we go back to sleep?"

"I know, I know. Sure." He put his glass away and grabbed Mizuki's hand, leading him back to the bedroom. They laid down and in no time, Mizuki was asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, Sei was gone again, but he figured the other was at work and didn't think anything of it. He rolled over and clung to Sei's pillow. Weird. The scent wasn't as strong as usual. He shrugged it off and got up to shower.

Everything in his day was pretty ordinary. He met up with Koujaku during his break, and they grabbed lunch together. That chatted about nothing in particular, but since Koujaku was his best friend, he felt obliged to tell him about his dream.

"Hey, Koujaku," he said seriously, looking up from his meatball sub. Koujaku was all ears. "I had a weird dream last night about Sei and I don't know what it means."

The hairdresser swallowed his food thickly and took a drink to stall. "Mizuki, we've talked about this. Your mind just—"

"No, wait, this is different. I was crying and my stomach hurt and it looked like Sei was being molested by some guy in a suit. All black. Does that mean something?" he asked with a frown. "Ah, never mind. I think I'm going crazy. When I woke up, though, Sei wasn't there and it freaked me out."

"Mizuki," he sighed sadly. "You need to move on."

He nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Thinking about that dream will only put an unnecessary weight on our relationship. I want to marry this boy. I won't ever get there if I keep stressing over this. I mean, I even bought a ring! No turning back now." He chuckled.

Koujaku's mouth hung open, but he just shook his head and focused on his food. _Poor Mizuki_. "Well, I should get back to the shop."

The redhead nodded. "Yeah, me too, before the looters get there." They shared a laugh and they parted.

When he got home, the entire apartment was empty. "Sei," he called out again. No answer. _He must be working late again._ He plopped down on the couch and closed his eyes.

"Mizu," he heard whispered in his ear. With a smile, he turned to greet his boyfriend, but no one was there. He must have been imagining things. It's normal to miss your boyfriend after a bit.

His coil lit up and he answered. It was Aoba. "Hey, Aoba!" he greeted. Aoba looked like he was in pain. "What's wrong?"

"Hey, Mizuki. I was just calling to check up on you. Koujaku told me you guys got lunch together today. He told me about your dream." He frowned and looked down for a second before continuing on. "Mizuki, sometimes things are hard to accept, but—"

"Wait. Do you know something I don't?" he asked, swallowing thickly. "Is Sei… Cheating on me?"

Aoba just stared for a second before clearing his throat. "Mizuki, you know Sei loved you. He would never cheat on you!"

"Oh good. I thought that maybe that's what the dream was telling me." He chuckled.

"Do you want to come over for dinner?" the blue-haired man offered. "It could get your mind off things. Besides, it must be awful in that apartment all alone."

He shook his head. "No thanks, Aoba. I'm gonna wait up for Sei. In fact, I think I'm going to cook some dinner for us tonight. I'm gonna go get started. I'll talk to you later!"

"But, wait!" was all Aoba managed to get out before Mizuki hung up on him.

Hours upon hours passed. Mizuki decided to eat dinner without Sei, since it seemed he wouldn't be home any time soon. That hurt him a bit, but he supposed it couldn't be helped. He drifted off on the couch.

It seemed like a blink of an eye and then he was conscious again. He felt ice cold hands on his cheeks and a weight in his lap. He blinked his eyes open and was greeted by a pale young man with doe-like eyes.

"Did you fall asleep waiting for me?" Sei asked.

Mizuki pulled him closer. "I did. Sorry. Today was tiring."

"It's fine," he purred, before leaning in to kiss him gently. "I wish we could stay like this forever."

"Why can't we?" the other asked, hands sliding up Sei's shirt. He shivered slightly. "Why are you so cold, princess?"

"You're asking a lot of questions tonight," he said with a nervous laugh. "You must not be fully awake."

His hands stilled on Sei's sides and he tilted his head. "Why do you say that?"

"Because you're talking to me," he sighed before resting his forehead on Mizuki's shoulder. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too. So why don't you stay? Stay with me. Please? Skip work tomorrow. I'll close the Black Needle for the day. We can just be with each other." He slid his hands up some more. "Tonight, we can just have some fun."

Sei lifted his head and gave him a sad smile. "I wish it were that easy, love."

"What do you mean?" Mizuki asked, feeling hopeless. What was going on? All day, Koujaku and Aoba had been acting weird and now even Sei was acting weird. It was like they were all keeping a huge secret from him.

"You're asking too many questions," he huffed, getting frustrated. "Why do you have to question everything? Can't you just trust me?" His eyes welled up with tears and Mizuki felt like it was all his fault. He pulled Sei into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry, Princess. I won't ask any more questions, I promise." He pulled back to wipe at those pretty eyes. "Why are you- I mean, please don't cry. It's okay. I'm not mad at you. So please don't cry. Let's just.." He trailed off and sighed, looking up for a moment.

"You know that I love you, right?" Sei spoke up after a while of silence.

The redhead's eyes were back to focusing on his lover. "Of course I do. You don't even have to ask me that." He leaned in and the two kissed. It was a chaste kiss and Mizuki could feel far more longing and sorrow in Sei's lips than he would have cared to. He wanted to ask what was going on. He wanted to ask why Sei was so upset or why everyone was acting so weird. He wanted to ask what Sei meant, but he had promised not to ask any more questions and the curiosity was killing him.

"We should get to bed," Sei sighed after pulling away from the other's lips.

Mizuki wanted to protest. He wanted to lay Sei down on the couch and show him just how much he loved him, but all he did was nod. "All right. Lead the way, babe."

Sei stood up, pulling down his shirt and offered a hand to his boyfriend. The touch was ice cold. It even made Mizuki shiver a little bit. No words were exchanged as the pair lay down. The tanned-male reached out for his lover, pulling him close. They cuddled until Mizuki was out like a light.

And when he woke up, Sei was gone again.

It was difficult to find the motivation to do anything after such a night. He decided he was going to take the day off and lay in bed all day. Maybe even cry a little. No one had to know. He touched his tear drop tattoo and let his mind wander. All it could muster were memories, though.

He remembered the first time Sei had touched his tattoo.

_"Can I touch it?" he asked gently, hands nervously playing with the edges of his sleeves._

_ Mizuki chuckled and nodded. "Sure. Just try not to poke me in my eye, okay?"_

_ Sei laughed and reached forward to touch the scar gently. "Why is it a tear drop? Do you cry a lot?"_

_He shrugged. "It's actually supposed to mean that I've killed a man."_

_ Immediately, the pale man pulled his hand away. "You're lying."_

_ "Am I?" he challenged._

_ "I was told that if you killed someone, it goes under the other eye. If you've lost someone related to drugs or gangs, it goes under this eye," he replied before touching it again._

_ "Are you so sure of that?"_

_ He paused. _How cute_, Mizuki thought. _You can see just how hard he's thinking about it.

_Eventually Sei nodded. "I'm sure! I don't think you could kill anyone, anyways."_

_ Mizuki laughed nervously. This guy gave him too much credit. He didn't know anything about him yet. He didn't know who he was. It was actually kind of amazing how much Sei thought of him. Mizuki felt special._

The memory made Mizuki groan. He turned over into Sei's pillow. Faint scent. He sat up and looked down at the pillow. What was even going on? Usually the pillow would smell strongly of sugar cookies and soap.

He laid back down and stared at the ceiling. He missed Sei.

There was a knock on the door and that's when Mizuki wondered just how long had he been laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and replaying memories? Sluggishly, he got to his feet and shuffled to the door. It was Koujaku, Aoba, and Ren.

"Hey, guys," he greeted with a yawn and a stretch.

Koujaku was holding some food and he realized just how hungry he was. "I figured we'd come bring you dinner since you weren't answering your coil. Aoba wanted to come with."

Aoba set down Ren and pushed his way into the apartment. He scanned the room and sighed. "Having all these pictures up… Isn't it painful?" he asked, looking at all the pictures around the room of Sei and Mizuki, then some with their friends.

"Why would it be? When he's not home, I can still be with him," he sighed softly with a small smile.

Koujaku glanced at Aoba and went to set the food down. "But, Mizuki, isn't it a reminder?"

"Of what?" he asked.

"That he's never coming home."

Mizuki looked between the two. Aoba was looking at the ground and Koujaku was looking at him. "What do you mean never coming home? He'll be home tonight. He's been coming home kind of late recently, but it's okay. I know he's working hard."

The bright blue haired man made his way over to Mizuki and crossed his arms. "Mizuki, it's been three months. It's still hard to talk about, but you can't just ignore it."

Koujaku nodded in agreement. "It's not healthy. You've been moping about and yesterday at lunch, you said you wanted to marry Sei. You said you didn't want unnecessary strain on the relationship. I didn't know what to say then, but I do now. You need to let go of this imaginary world in your head. Sei's gone and he's never coming back," he sternly told him. "Sei wouldn't want you clinging to a false hope like this. He'd want you to be happy and live life to its fullest. You can't do that if you keep lying to yourself like this."

Aoba covered his mouth and tried his hardest not to cry. This was hard on him, but he knew it was harder on Mizuki. After all, no one knew Sei better than Mizuki.

"Sei's just working late," he repeated.

"Sei is dead, dammit!" Koujaku snapped. Aoba was taken by surprise at that tone. It wasn't often that the other lost his cool like that. He walked up to Mizuki and grabbed his shoulders. "You need to stop playing this sick game. You didn't even show up to his funeral. What kind of person are you!?"

Mizuki just stared at him, tears welling up in his eyes. _I missed my own boyfriend's funeral. _"But… But he was just here." Tears spilled down his cheeks, highlighting the shock and pain on his chest. He clutched his chest. His heart was beating so fast, he felt like it might explode. "He can't be gone. W-We had so many plans."

That's when Aoba understood everything. He pulled Mizuki into a hug, squeezing him tight. "I know. It's hard to think that he's gone, but he is, Mizuki, and I know he wouldn't want you so confused and upset about this whole thing."

Nothing made any sense. Aoba had to be lying, but if that was the case, why could he feel the emotions so intensely? Why could he feel Aoba shaking while he held on to him? Why could he hear Koujaku sniffling softly behind him, trying to be strong enough for the two of them? Maybe it was true. Maybe his beloved Sei really was dead. That hurt more than the words. He was crumbling down and he could feel his anger die out with that realization. His heart burst into a million pieces, laying each shattered piece out for Koujaku and Aoba to dissect. He had no more reason to stay together.

Sinking to his knees, he brought Aoba with him. The other gasped when he was tugged down. He stared at Mizuki, petting his head while tears poured down his cheeks. Aoba felt panic in his chest. He couldn't see Mizuki's face and with news like this, he was afraid Mizuki was doing something bad.

"Mizuki?" he asked, trying to pull away to look at him.

Mizuki let go of Aoba and brought his head up, broken smile on his face as tears continued to flood his eyes.

That sight was enough to make Aoba feel nauseated. He didn't know why. Something was off. Why was he smiling like that? "Mizuki, are you okay?" he asked. Koujaku was at Aoba's side in a moment. He could feel something was off, too.

"No," he answered truthfully, voice breaking. "Can you take me to see him?" he begged, looking up at Aoba with pleading eyes, smile dropping.

"Of course."

The drive to the cemetery was a painfully awkward one. Mizuki was convinced the entire ride that this was some kind of joke and that as soon as they got there, Sei was going to rush into his arms and kiss all over his face. Despite that, he had the worst feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him to get some flowers and bring Sei's favorite teddy bear. So he did. He sat in the back of the car, clutching the bear close to his stomach while the flowers lay on the seat to his left. He stared out the window and when they arrived, Aoba opened his door for him and his two friends took his hands, leading him to the gravestone.

Koujaku held the bear in his left hand while Aoba carried the flowers in his right. They were very aware how difficult this was going to be and just having them holding his hands already calmed Mizuki. But as soon as the stone was in sight and he could very clearly read the name "Sei Seragaki", the tears started again and his stomach dropped. He sank down to his knees and grabbed the flowers from Aoba, setting them against the stone. Koujaku set the bear next to him and the two exchanged a glance.

"Can I have a moment with him please?" he asked, voice shaky and head bowed. Aoba and Koujaku nodded, then retreated back to the car, waiting.

"I'm sorry," he said to the stone, putting a hand up to feel the engraving. "I'm sorry I missed your funeral and that I was too stubborn to see that you're gone. I'm so sorry, Princess."

"Stop apologizing," came a voice from behind.

Mizuki jumped and turned around. "You're not real," he cried out, standing up and glaring at the boy before him. "You're in my head. You're a lie!"

"Am I?" he asked, taking a step forward, and reaching out to touch the tattoo under his eye. "You really think I'm just a lie?"

"No. Of course not." The tears just weren't going to stop. He pulled away from Sei and wiped at his eyes. "But look at this!" He gestured to the gravestone.

Sei sat down in the grass, crossing his legs. He patted the spot next to him. "I can see it." Mizuki took a seat next to him, grabbing Sei's bear and holding it to his chest. "But can you?"

"Of course I can! What're you saying? I pointed it out to you! I hate my mind. It's not fair to be teased like this." He stared at the words on the stone. _Brother. Lover. Friend. Gone too soon._

"I've been trying to tell you for a while, but every time you see me, you just get so happy. I didn't know how to break it to you." He sighed and leaned against Mizuki's shoulder. "But I can't stay anymore, Mizu. I need to move on. I just needed to make sure you didn't live your entire life waiting for me to come home."

"Please don't leave me," he begged, grabbing onto Sei. "I can't do this, Princess. I can't live the rest of my life without you! I can't do it. Please don't make me!"

"This wasn't my choice!" he snapped, pulling away from Mizuki and standing up. He hugged himself against the breeze, despite being unable to feel the cold, and looked up at the sky. It was going to snow soon. "I can't stay anymore. Please. You have to let me go so I can move on. You need to move on, too. I want you to be happy. Find someone else."

Nothing was processing right in Mizuki's mind. This was like a break up, except a million times worse. "But, I bought a ring. I wanted to propose."

Sei brought a hand to his mouth, shaking his head. Nothing hurt worse than this. "I'm so sorry, Mizu. I love you so much, but I'm so sorry."

Mizuki scrambled to his feet, picking up the bear, and pushing it at Sei. It dropped to the ground. He bent to pick it and when he looked around, he was alone. He figured this was the start to his new life; Loneliness and pain.


End file.
